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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It annoys my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that therapy might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.